finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
