if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
