FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
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