Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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