Operation Purity has been aborted
i came on her dog
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
