My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
