OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
