I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
