I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just want to make out with him forever
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
