My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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