so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
this is an emotional support booty call
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
