What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
