You're completely useless in the revolution.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
