when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
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I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
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I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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