ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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