Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
