So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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