this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
