so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
