Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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