Plan B is the new Plan A
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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