Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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