I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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