Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
