He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
