there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
we're so committed to being not committed
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
