just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
