Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
