running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
