I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
