it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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