So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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