I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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