she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
