i think my tv is drunk
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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