Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
