i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
