After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
