9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
