thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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