So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
