It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
