and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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