when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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