Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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