not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
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i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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