dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i love accidental penises.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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