I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
