I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
