Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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