I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
