Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
