he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
