Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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