I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
