Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
