I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
