i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
